Why are there such extremes in life?

A week ago… everything was looking *so* awesome. I was counting down the days until I got to spend time with Chris again (cuddles!!), I was looking forward to my quickly approaching cruise, I was allowing myself to dream, again… I was very happy, all-in-all.

And then, in a heartbeat it seemed, it all came to a crashing mess. Chris and I had set up a “video date” for tonight (I was really looking forward to it) — we usually have a ton of fun laughing ourselves silly when we get online and talk on video. Tonight, it was quickly apparent that it wasn’t going to go that way. After a little prodding to find out what was up, Chris said he wasn’t sure at first, but then said he felt our distance apart was too hard to deal with, he felt like he should be dating other people, and he didn’t want the responsiblity of me eventually coming down there to get to know him better. My heart completely sunk. I obviously didn’t see this coming. Just last week we were both sharing how excited we were about my upcoming trip. In fact, I just picked up my tickets from Ed yesterday, and was so excited about doing so

Now, I’m feeling incredibly sad and completely alone. We’ll have to cancel the cruise (which Chris has very generously offered to pay the cancellation fee) and I obviously won’t be going down to Texas in four weeks. I just didn’t see this coming at all. I let myself get too excited about the “possibilities”, while Chris has obviously been struggling a great deal with the fact that he’s freshly divorced (as of next week, it’ll be official) and he doesn’t want to settle down yet. Certainly not with someone who he can’t get to know face-to-face for more than a few weeks at a time. I absolutely understand that he’s going through a rough time right now… divorce is never easy. I certainly don’t blame him for this change of heart. It does, however, hurt the same nonetheless. I just can’t stop wishing we weren’t so far apart. Then again, that’s probably not all of it, is it? Distance is overcomeable, if someone feels enough about another… so I think it’s more than that. It just makes me very sad. How did I see things so differently? I guess it doesn’t matter now

So. It’s not a great day for me. I feel physically ill. Please know, though, that even though I’m in pain I’m NOT blaming Chris. I wish only that Chris finds what he’s looking for and I want nothing more than to see him happy like he used to be. I miss that friend. We’ve both assured each other that we’ll remain good friends. I know that we have a solid foundation for this — we will get through this, and we’ll hopefully be even better friends because of it

Now… I guess I’d better get into a different headspace, myself. It’s going to be hard to find someone who made me feel as special as Chris did. This will be a hard void to fill…