The “Art Of Dating” online-style:
Before I start on my little dating overview, you MUST go and watch this. Granted, it’s absolutely OFF TOPIC, but I can’t remember laughing so hard in a VERY long time. (Thanks pericat, you made my day!)
Okay, now on to the topic at hand: I was reading a few articles today, while procrastinating at the office. (Yes, you know me, the one that hates being in the office on a holiday — I did get work done, too!)
Did you know that as many as 25% of new relationships started via an online dating site or online dating service, according to recent statistics? I can believe it, actually. The two people that I have recently been in relationships with have both been from an online service. I think it would be hypocritical of me not to turn to the online medium first, actually, given my occupation.
You know what I’ve noticed most about these online dating experiences, though? It’s changed. Back in 2001, when I first used Excite Personals (or, previously known as Classifieds 2000, a free online dating system) the men were really passionate about the process. Many would write me directly, using cues from my profile, and although I was overwhelmed with responses, I also felt empowered by the quality of men that were interested in getting to know me.
Now, in 2004, it feels distinctly different. Yes, on Lavalife, I get completely inundated with interest when I log-on, but I’ve found that the men that are interested, aren’t interested in who I am (hell, how could they be, if they’ve messaged me 30 seconds after I get online?) — They haven’t even read my profile. Many are from out of town, and those that are local, aren’t serious about getting to know someone but rather want to fill their calendar with a ton of different girls. Lavalife, at least, feels like a total meat market.
Then, there’s Match.com, with over 3 million subscribers globally. This site is quite a bit more laid back, and people aren’t in a panic to message you. But, you’ve got the opposite side of the spectrum, instead. Many men start with showing interest there by winking at you (a free way to contact someone) — If you don’t return their wink, you aren’t likely going to get any mail from them. So, I ask myself, why the heck is a membership service, where you can send unlimited messages, not generating more qualified mail? I’m still scratching my head.
I’ve met some interesting guys from both sites. (The majority have been from Match) What I’ve concluded, at least so far in my dating adventure, is that there is a distinct lack of passion in the process. I feel like the few guys that I’m attracted to, those that interest me, and also seem interested in me, want to keep their options open. It’s that “Grass is greener” approach that drives me mad. (or, as Vern puts it, “the fridge approach — You keep opening it up, even though you were just there, and there’s nothing terribly exciting inside” — I don’t completely agree with his analogy, as I bet there’s some cool ingredients in there that once put together would make an awesome snack, but, I digress.)
So, after talking to several people who are enjoying successful relationships, this is what I’ve gathered for advice: (and, no, these points aren’t written in stone, but they have certainly worked for “them”)
- If you want a passionate relationship, you’ve gotta show some interest/passion and enjoy a kiss by the second date.
- You have to be ready to be serious about dating, and make it a priority. Get excited about the possibilities — Dream a little!
- Opposites don’t attract. Find someone that has a similar mindset to you. There’ll be much more in common to build a meaningful foundation on, and less frustration after the initial lust fades away.
- Don’t be negative, just because your initial dating experience hasn’t been perfect. Positive, energized people are attractive, negative people make people run away, screaming.
- Know what you want. Be honest about it. Know your non-negotiables!
- And finally, don’t be afraid to take some risk! Live a little! Be adventurous, and remember that the “worst case scenario” isn’t likely to happen.
Pretty good thoughts. I’m glad I asked around. I’m going to try to institute most of them into my situations, and see where it takes me.
Got some ideas/thoughts I’ve missed? I’d love to hear them!
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Tanya,
I couldn’t agree more with your thoughts on Lavalife and other dating services. I felt the exact same way when I was back in Van and searching online.
I got the impression for more than a few women on Lava (substitute Match or any other online service, but Lava seems to be the worst for it) also want to keep their options open. I even had one woman want to continue dating me as well as other guys after our third date and numerous extended phone calls.
For me, personally, if I am interested in someone and I want to pursue it further, then I turned my profile off and focus on that particular individual until which point that we were not seeing each other anymore. I think it is only common courtesy. By continuing to see other people, you basically tell me, “Well, I’m interested but not REALLY interested.”
Fine then, go ahead… but I not going to just ‘hang around here’ while you make up your mind.
The whole experience left me a bit apprehensive and uneager about continuing to date online.
I’m curious if it’s because we live in such a fast paced, driven environment these days. We all suffer from some form of A.D.D.; if we’re not continually stimulated, we move on to something else.
If that’s true, then I don’t think it’s going to get any better.
Well, being one of those two people you referred to, I think I have a vested interest inresponding to this one…
The problem I see with online dating is that the majority of women get slammed with predatory types wanting, as Roger suggested, to fill their calendar, or to get laid. And the really kind, nice quiet guys get nothing, unless they’re approached by the woman. At which point there’s STILL a chance for it to all tank, if the guy’s not a good writer. Then there’s the problem of the medium… how do you communicate vocal inflection in an email? When’s the last time you got an email from someone, and thought to yourself “Huh?”. As he was writing, the guy may have thought it sounded funny, but it doesn’t come through.
Are people too busy? In some cases, absolutely. Although I’m inclined to think it’s a way for people to avoid the work of doing it the old fashioned way, in far more cases.
As for the ‘rules’, I do agree with the 6 points you listed, although I think there’s some qualification needed (IMHO)…
- The catch to the first item is that you have to WANT to kiss the person. And passion comes from within. It’s not a generated thing. Your version of passion may be different from HIS version of passion. (And for us, it was the second date. And for those of you who don’t know Tanya is a SPECTACULAR kisser.)
- You have to be ready to date, in order to be serious about dating. This means having your own house in order. I know you’ll disagree with me on this one, though, Tan.
- I think there needs to be more in common than a mindset. Just one person’s oipinion. Your mileage may vary.
- Knowing your non-negotiables is one thing. But be prepared to communicate them as well. You may end up without a second date, but a) you’re not wasting your own time, and b) you may end up with a great friend instead.
hi there, may i ask which article said as many as 25% new relationships are started online? that figure is staggering!
I’d agree that opposites don’t attract, but you don’t want to date a clone of yourself either…so I’d say ideally you get a 50/50 similar/opposite balance so there’s common ground and new territory.
First off, Jenna, the article that quoted that figure is found here: http://www.onlinedatingsuccess.com/online_dating_articles.htm — And yes, I found that number rather staggering myself, but then again, having found my last two relationships this way, perhaps it’s realistic?
Roger, Jer, and Harp — You all make good points, and there’s nothing I don’t agree with. I guess the most frustrating part of this whole process for me would be “game” aspect to it. I just hate playing games — If I’m interested in someone, I try to let them know, and hope that it’s reciprocated… It’s a frustrating way of dating, for certain, but in Vancouver at least, it’s the most logical. I don’t know what it is about Vancouverites, but they just don’t approach people the way I’ve noticed people do in other cities and countries. Has anyone else had this experience too, or am I out to lunch?
You’re out to lunch. You’re right about Vancouver, but you’re still out to lunch (it’s one of the reasons we all like you)
I think you are right, Netchick. I’m dating with the online sites, and I don’t like the approach most people take either. (It regularily feels shallow and without substance.)
By the way, I think you are sweet. I’d date you, but I’m probably too young for your tastes. (I’m 25)
Keep your head up! You are going to find someone just right, eventually. How could you not?
Hi James!
Thanks for the vote of confidence, and the compliment! I’m sure you are right, and it’s just a matter of time until I find “my match”. Ah, heck, I’m really not in a hurry anyhow… I’m still having fun dating, so it’s all good!
I stay away for a day and look what I miss..
First of all, I agree tanya is a very good kisser, but I won’t go into the intimate details here
Second, the way a person writes is a big indication of the type of person they are. Bad writers = bad dates, imho. Maybe that’s just me…
and finally, I think the problem is that online dating is not seen as a really weird way to meet someone (everyone is online!), we’re seeing alot more people who are into the “game”. The same meat-head guys who are in the bars are now on the internet. I imagine the people you were meeting before were online for more than just a way to fill time. I’m not saying that’s everyone, but a lot of people…
On a side note, I knew of a group of guys on lava (even one that had a live-in gf!) who loved to see how many girls they could get interested in them and then compared. :/
I acutally remember seeing you on LL back when I was there. That’s part of what led me your site, believe it or not.
I had some pretty mixed results with the site. Despite putting lots of effort into my profiles and first e-mail messages, I didn’t often get any results. After talking with some girls I knew on there, I realized it was the “needle in a haystack” situation. Ugh, not fun.
I got a MUCH better response to the IM system there. I was, perhaps one of the few, that would acutally read the profile and start the conversation less-than-blind.
I ended up dating a few girls from there (including my current GF). I did meet / talk to a LOT of people who seemed terribly superficial and just loved the attention of meeting/dating lots of people. Not for me.
And I *AM* a fantastic kisser
Col!!! How could you give away our details like that… (and you said it “was our little secret”) Sheesh.
Seriously, though. I definitely agree with your “poor writer=poor date” thought. It’s true. At least for me… I really LIKE creativity in guys. It’s the spice of life, for me at least.
Mike! You saw me on Lava, and didn’t message? hahah… I guess my ‘Nom De Plum’ gave me away. I wonder how many others have lurked on this site after guessing the URL from there?
I see your g/f dragged you on a shopping trip to Seattle, so things must be going great! Good for you! Can I live vicariously through your good experiences for a while?
Dating is for humans!! Bahhh!
bad writer can = bad date, but to play devil’s advocate (as I so often do) one of the smartest people I’ve ever known is dyslexic and his writing is really really awful…
point is, you never know. For my money, eye contact is a BIG thing and something you can’t get online, though you can get some bits and pieces otherwise. That’s the thing though, fingers on a typewriter and photographs just enhance those bits and pieces to varying degrees.
Harp, you make a very valid point, and one I hadn’t really considered. And yes, I completely agree that until you meet face-to-face, there’s no telling what kind of attraction or interest there is… Thus my need to meet someone fairly quickly after initial contact. No point in wasting his time or mine, I say!
My life definitely isn’t one to live vicariously though, but I’ll try to post some good stories on my site for ya
.
Yeah, your alias gave you away. I was acutally planning to message you, but saw some posts on your site about some boy you were head-over-heels for at the time and figured it’d be better not to.
Oooh mike + tanya….an interesting, interesting combo
So soon she forgets that Mike’s TAKEN!!
LOL… Nice try, Col baby! You have missed your calling tho — Perhaps you should dawn those wings and arrow of yours more often!
Mike is indeed taken. Col, where were you when Mike *WASN’T* taken
.
Ya, Col??
No offence meant to Roger.. but you want to start getting serious by the third date? I dunno… maybe I’m just too old or something, been there, done that, but I think people take the whole “I need a relationship” thing way too seriously. It’s almost as if their entire self-esteem is defined by whether or not they have a steady romantic relationship on the go.
I used some on-line services for a short time and had the sense there were far too many desparate people out there, looking for immediate committment.
Let’s be realistic… by the third date, and even include some email messages and/or instant messages thrown in, you’re still only scratching the surface of the other person and still likely no where near finding out their true character and values. I think it is VERY possible for someone to be “semi-interested” with the option of becoming more interested over time, even after a few months.
It seems to me there are way way too many demands, spoken and unspoken, put on people who are dating in today’s world. Whatever happened to becoming friends first? And is there anything wrong with having lots of friends?
What, if anything is so wrong about being interested in several people over a period of time, at the same time, especially when really, you still only know them casually, regardless of how sexually intimate you may have been with them.