I *hate* writing these emails…
I went on date on Sunday afternoon. Just a quick coffee date (yes, I know — Coffee dates suck) because I had a bunch of other stuff to do that day. He was a nice guy, did everything right, including bringing me a pink rose (that was terribly sweet), being excited to meet me, and even having a photo album with him of his recent diving adventures. Afterwards, he sent me a very thoughtful email thanking me for the date, complimenting my appearance, and asking me to dinner and a movie later in the week.
Problem is, we really didn’t have enough in common. He has two cats, and as most of my friends know, cats really make me miserable, allergy-wise. He scuba dives a lot during his free time, and I’ll likely never be able to do that sport with my physical challenges (ear/nose/throat issues) and he’s an avid football watcher — I’ve never really watched any sport on tv or live besides hockey, and that’s usually a social event more than just watching the sport itself.
So… I had to write “the” email. I’ve only had to do this four times in my dating experiences, and man, I hate writing those emails. I thanked him for being so thoughtful on the date, and told him I enjoyed meeting him (I did). And then, I told him that we didn’t have enough commonalities in our lifestyle, and that I was convinced that he would find someone who shared similar hobbies and recreation, and be successful with the online dating process.
I quickly got an email back from him.
His only answer to me was that he couldn’t believe I wasn’t interested in him because he had pets… He didn’t even read the whole email, obviously, because that wasn’t the only reason I cited for not having enough in common. I took time to try to write a thoughtful message, and that was the response I got back.
Is there something I should be doing differently so that guys don’t get so upset? I can’t help that we don’t have enough in common and quite often, that’s not obvious until you spend some time face-to-face to get to know them better.
Does anyone have any ideas? …This is one frustrated Tanya.
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My hope for that one has been dashed. “M” said to me… “You are not my type… but I think we could be great friends”. As I didn’t really see myself with her either… I agreed.
The problem is of course, what if one is interested. Its a no win is it? The best that can happen is a gentle let down. Email, unfortunately is perceived as being very impersonal.
I have no advice… I have only had to write a couple of these in my life. IT was hell… and I felt sick when I sent them, but I felt worse not sending them.
Frankly, Tanya, you were honest with him, up front, and considerate (I’m assuming) in your explanation to him. You didn’t lie, pretend, or otherwise play games. You didn’t lead him on.
I can’t see how you could be considered anything but blameless here. If he doesn’t have the good grace to accept that sometimes things ARE one-way, then that’s his problem.
As always, just my two bits. Your mileage may vary.
hummm this is hard. i mean i’m a guy and personally, i just want it straight up. if i was interested in the lady and she feels that she isn’t interested then what can i do. the only thing i ask is that she explain her reasons why so at least i feel that she has given it some thought and pondering. to me it seems like you’ve done that.
in terms of writing another email like this in the future? i kinda agree with vren, emails are perceived as impersonal but ya can’t do anything about it, unless you meet up with him again and say it in person. you did right!
i think that under the cirumstances in how they met and since it was their first date, there’s nothing really too terrible about sending that email rather than doing it in person.
i think you handled it perfectly and honestly, he probably just needed to look at it with a “She doesn’t want me just because I have pets, well screw her” attitude to make himself feel better.
From the Male perspective:
I think you did “exactly” the right thing. You went with your gut feeling and you immediately acted upon that feeling before there was any damage of remorse, hurt and possible angry feelings after the fact. I have met a lots women who stayed too long in relationships that they say they never wanted to be in from day one, and paid a price for postponing the inevitable.
Now I don’t know what your “chemistry” is; and what it is that your looking for in men? I can certainly tell you that if your not a happy camper, then you must find another camp site! ….I know; a bad metaphor….
I think you did the right thing. The sorry-no-go e-mai is always tough.
Mind you – you could just send him “Your penis is too small” … that’d get rid of him fast and might be worth a laugh
Okay, maybe not. It was funny to write tho!
I *hate* getting those emails!!!
Bahahahahah! Didn’t I send you one of those emails at one point, V? ROTFL.
Just kidding.
Guys take rejection emails better if you include naked pictures of yourself.
But seriously… This guy likes diving, has cats, watches football and has a thing for pink roses… I think we should set him up with Roger…
It’s a match made in heaven… How could I have missed this opportunity to set someone up? …Too bad this guy burned his bridges, or I would have put serious effort into making it happen.
OMG, Paul, you’ve missed your calling! Either that, or I’m losing my touch.
Honesty is always the way to go…
BTW I’m baaacckkkk….
Okay, okay… that’s just about enough outta you, Biff (Paul). And Tanya, I thought you were my ‘friend’… I’m crushed.
Now if you wouldn’t mind just forwarding his email then we can all get on with our lives.
Rog
PS
I’m a DOG person. I hate cats.
In fairness to the breakee, the naked picture should be posted somewhere where we… er… he can download it.
Rog, I just knew you’d like him. He’s all yours, baby!
Timbo… I expected better from you. Um. No. No, I didn’t. I’m losing my mind today.
T,
I’ll see both you and Paul in hell.
Where’s my XP CD? You’d better send it PRONTO to stay in my good books.
Er, that would be *MY* XP cd, and I’ll send it to you by Friday, when I get it from the other person that “borrowed” it.
Hey!!! Why dont you date lawyers!! They are heartless evils &*%@s, so you dont have to feel any guilt not writing back!!!
yeah, I think you did the right thing too. I’d say he just needed to lash back since he’d put himself on the line so much with the rose and the email.
BTW, you and your commenters crack me up.
I work with lawyers. Trust me, it’s not worth it. They go beyond workaholics, they’re cranky and usually on a power trip.
Plus, they smell bad, and not even mustard make them taste good, damn it.