Every year at this time…
Yep, another birthday weekend has come and gone. And, I got spoiled. From Vern taking me out to make sure that my birthday was indeed celebrated on “the day” to Jeremy taking me out the next night, to the awesome get-together that Jenn organized for me at the Rugby Club on Friday, I must say, I definitely had a “well-celebrated” day of birth.
Which, if I might add, left me wondering if my birth mother remembered the day. For her, I can only imagine what June 9th means. It’s strange that I always think of her on my birthday (or maybe it isn’t). (Not that I don’t think of my parents who sacrificed a great deal to adopt my brother and I — That’s not lost on me either). Somehow, though, my birth parents always creep into my mind each year at this time.
For those of you who don’t know… I’ve had my birth father’s information for years now (I think I received it in 1997 — Not long after British Columbia opened the adoption registry and I filed to obtain the information on my birth parents) yet, I haven’t yet contacted him. Something in the back of my head says I shouldn’t, as my birth mother put in a veto against disclosure of her identifying information. I did hire someone a while back to see if I could find out if they were indeed married, and it wasn’t conclusive, but they likely are. He’s married to someone, and living on the Island. The letter my birth mother wrote when she filed her disclosure veto contained a lot of recent information on the health and social standing of both sides of my birth family. I’m pretty sure it was an oversight on her part not to also put in a disclosure veto for my birth father at the same time. Or, perhaps it wasn’t? It’s an interesting dilemma.
I’ve had numerous close friends (and even my step-mother) offer to contact my birth father for me with the contact information that I have, just to act as a buffer… And, at this point, I can’t see what there is to lose by having one of them do so. He obviously knows of my existence, and is still in at least “close contact” with my birth mother, so perhaps it wasn’t a mistake that there wasn’t a veto filed for him as well. If I don’t act on this soon, perhaps I won’t get the chance to know who he is as none of us are getting any younger.
That said, however, I do risk the pain that this contact with my birth father could potentially cause my birth mother who has expressed in her one page letter that contact with me would simply be too painful. It’s such a frustrating internal dialogue that I’ve had going on with myself over the past few years. I just can’t see leaving that chapter of my life unwritten if I could potentially meet him, at least?
I feel that if I’m going to do it… Then I should not wait any longer and just do it. Everything else in my life has pretty much settled down to a dull roar right now, so this extra turmoil wouldn’t send me over the deep end, emotionally speaking. Besides, I’m really not expecting any positive conclusion to this lifelong nagging need to understand who they are. As long as my expectations are low, there’s not much to lose on an emotional level for me.
Several of my close friends have gone through similar situations over the years, and most with positive outcomes. I know that both of my birth parents are educated, intelligent individuals, and that I don’t have any siblings, meaning that if I do go ahead and make contact, it’s only them involved in the situation.
Tough call. Anyone want to wade into this situation with a view on what I should do?
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I agree w/ Col – as long as actions that are taken are taken with care and perspective – which you obviously have and have taken into great consideration already.
I don’t really have any advice to give, I just wanted to say good luck with the path you choose.
I have a friend who is adopted and has absolutely no curiosity with regards to who his birth parents are, or what they’re like. His view is that he has two parents already. I was thinking about how his perspective differs from yours quite a lot.
My view on adoption is that I find it odd that birth parents can say “don’t contact me”… I think they gave birth to a human being and it’s kind of rude to block that person out of your life. I think it should be the child’s choice. That’s just MY opinion though.
I guess for advice, I’d have to say go for it – contact your birth father. He may also have YOUR contact information and be curious about you.. I don’t know how these things work. And I agree with the above comment about “what-ifs”… hey, what if your birth father is also an entrepreneur? Wouldn’t that be cool?
Thanks everyone… Your views have provoked much thought for me, and I have decided to move ahead with this.
My birth father is 60 this year, and I don’t want to miss the opportunity to possibily meet him, or at least let him know that I’m interested in making this happen. It’s a risk, but, I think one worth taking. It wouldn’t be fair for me to make his decision for him, when he could be waiting for me to make first contact (which I’ll do with an intermediary).
Thanks again! You guys rock!
We are probably 1/3 biological, 1/3 environmental, and 1/3 societal when it comes to our personalities.
I have thought about this one… I think I understand why this time of year bothers you like it does. Ultimately, its a gamble…. but both decisions will take you down different roads. Will the worst case ride on either road provide you with any real benefit? If so, you might want to consider choosing one.
As far as the biological 1/3 goes? Who are you more like do you think? I have a guess
Although not specific to adoption my life experience suggests that the most difficult decisions are easist to live with when I’ve decided to take action rather than not. Those “what ifs” are killers and likely to stick with me til the day I die. I suspect (although I do not know) that those who grow bitter as they age are those who decided *not* to do rather than do. Those who tried, even if they tried and failed, sleep easier at night, I suspect.
I don’t really need to give you my view on this, do I?
You know my opinion……
Hi “T”, remember me, the emotional one? Well, I may not be in the same boat as you on this one, but I sure could point you to some great resources that you may like to look at. CBC Television has some great achieves on the subject. For example, the “private eye” [circa 1997] did a series on adoption and how Canada deals with children wanting to find their birth parents. These videos mostly deal with the emotions and stigma attached to these sorts of reunions. The Fifth Estate [circa 1992], had some of the controversial stuff of adoptions that had gone bad.
My personal views on birth reunions is probably a little too dialectic for someone to handle than others. I basically see adoption as a very painful situation that looking at our age, was the sign of the times then (looking at records from the 1960s and 70s). Mothers who were out of wed-lock, which would never be a probable cause today, giving up there children because of social norms being violated either through the social consciousness or strict religious and family traditions. Either way, mothers and fathers would find the whole experience beyond their control.
Perhaps when deciding to contact you birth mother, you should lower your expectation by taking into account that both yours and her lives have gone “full circle,” and that depending on where she might be, such a reunion might be very inconvenient and the need to contact should be done private and low keyed until such a time can be worked out. I have one friend who sought to find his birth parents and was hugely disappointed because his Father had no idea that he had a son and his mother had started another family, and was going through a very shaky marriage. However, I did see a change in him. He finally told me one day that now he felt compete, he shook the hand of the two people who brought him into this world. I guess that was what he was really looking for? Perhaps that is you also?
I’m likely the least qualified person on the planet to offer any advice on this (seeing as I’m from one of those “rare” families where nobody in the past 3 generations has even been divorced), but here’s my two cents anyway:
$0.01 – before taking any action, make a firm decision about what you want from making contact with your birth father. Do you just want to see what he looks like and shake his hand? Or do you want a relationship? If so, what kind of relationship? If you can make that kind of decision ahead of time, it may save you some disappointment later on if you go in asking for a handshake, but really want a relationship and don’t get it.
$0.02 – Once you’ve made that distinction to yourself, perhaps you do want to send in your step-mother (I’d be leery of sending a friend, it just doesn’t set the right tone for me) to approach your birth father with your expectations, and see if he’s receptive to moving forward.
oh, and good luck with whatever you decide!
I agree with Jen’s thoughts…especially the part about getting your step mom to broach your birth father. It’s always good to get a bit of a buffer involved. Takes away some of the tense/awkwardness.
*hugs* good luck
T,
As you know, I am also adopted… along with my twin sister. I was never the one who was really interested in finding our birth parents, but she always was. She did find our birth mother and I’ve also met her. I neither feel that my life is enriched nor am I disappointed that I have met her… I just feel the same.
Having said that, it is a personal choice that only you can make. But if you are going to do this, you must:
Do it soon. The longer you wait, the more likely it is that you may not be able to meet your birth father.
Go meet him with the best of intentions but don’t be disappointed if that person does not welcome you. It will be a shock to them having you walk into their lives again.
Best of luck. Let me know what you decide… and I’m always a phone call away to chat.
R
Hi guys… Thanks for the thoughtful, meaningful comments so far.
Jer… No, I definitely know where you stand!
Tom… I have the benefit of “some” contact with my birth mother already, having a letter written at the time she put in the veto in the late 90s. The contents of the letter clearly indicate that she still is in close contact with my birth father, and knows up-to-date details about his side of the family as well. I don’t have any agenda with a possible meeting, as I don’t have any needs other than to understand “who” these two people are, and what type of people they are. That, and I have a curiosity about what they look like as well. Having no blood relations of my own, it would be nice to get an idea of my family heritage and talents. I certainly don’t need any more parental figures in my life, having five currently. I’m not wanting for anything that they can give me other than information and a grounding basis for where I came from.
Jen… Thanks, your thoughts make much sense. I’ve carefully thought out what’s important and what isn’t, and where my agenda would take me should I have an opportunity for contact with either of them. I’m still thinking that my step-mother (who’s no longer with my father) might be too close emotionally speaking to be the best “first contact” person. That said, she’s very intelligent, and is quite capable of putting her emotions aside to be a partner in this. I might, however, choose a very close friend instead should she think that might be a better course of action.
Col… Thanks for chipping in… Your opinion is appreciated!
If anyone else has any insight, or would like to share a story of their own, I’d love to hear it…