The meet-up last night / Letting my heart lead the way.
First of all, I had a really great time at the blog meet up last night… It was awesome to catch up with so many that I felt that I knew already from reading their trials and tribulations online. It was also great to catch up with those that I had met before! When I got there at about 7:45 there was already close to 20 people gathered around sharing their stories over beers — And I’d guess that about 25 people showed in all. It’s really amazing how so many people from different walks of life can get together and have such a fun time. When I was finally leaving at 11:15, the get-together was still going strong. Thanks Col, and Darren for making this happen!!
Now, for some probably surprising news.
As many of you know, I’ve done a whole lot of soul searching over the past few weeks. Much has happened in my life to give me reason to take stock and really understand where I stand both to myself, and to others who are close to me. During this review, I noticed a trend which at first I thought I recognized as frustration and anger but came to realize that it was actually hurt, grief and sadness that was at the root of my emotions. The anger and frustration were my hard shell trying to protect me from the more difficult feelings that I had to deal with. Feelings of vunerability, and loss.
I think part of the problem that I was dealing with stemmed from my inability to understand these very large fluxuations in my emotional state — It’s been a very long time since I’ve dealt with that kind of pain and angst… And my inexperience with these “valleys” really through me into a tailspin. I concluded (assumed) several things about Jeremy (and the way he chooses to lead his life) that perhaps I shouldn’t have, without truly understanding, or communicating my thoughts fully with him.
What I have learned from this experience is that I was in love with Jeremy all along. After a tremendous amount of dialogue with him, it’s become apparent that we both have the ability to make some minor changes in our lives and come to some common ground that we can both live with. Both of us agree that these adjustments would not only be good for each other, but also for ourselves. We’re both growing.
I was surprised, to be honest, that Jeremy would fight so hard to make this relationship happen. Over the past few weeks, I clearly recognize some amazing work he’s done to ensure common ground can be found for us both. I knew the moment we parted ways a few weeks ago that I would miss him terribly, but at the time of our break-up was unable to take the risk necessary to trust him with my entire heart if this was going to work. At the time, it was too painful for me.
That changed last night.
We talked for a long time. We held each other. We both recognize that we care deeply for each other. With effort (and what relationship doesn’t require that?) we can have a meaningful relationship that works for both of us. So, here we are… Doing the best we can and knowing we can do this, because we both want it.
All I ask of my friends and family is their understanding and support as I try my best to have the greatest life possible. This feels right. Know that this decision came with much thought and emotion. For once, I’m letting my heart lead.
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big hugs to you both – what a long and bumpy journey so far but I’m very happy that it has ended with happiness
i’m all about the happy
Tanya, ended up on your blog by accident – I was looking for your cel number-what is the work cel number? This is good news – You have made your decision!! This is the only way to make “you happy”you know your heart. All of us care about you and all we want is your happiness! You and Jeremy are the only ones who know and need to work on it. Relalationships are the thick and thin. (Don’t worry about opinions because you know what they say about those and assholes and everyone having one-someone is always going to think the opposite anyway.) BE HAPPY!!
Your Friend, Tammy PS: Jeremy, babe, if your reading – you hurt her and you’ll have to deal with her oppinionated asshole friends!!:) Seriously!!
Tanya: I love you too
Tammy: Everyone knows that love is a bumpy road. “If love is such a great thing, why does it hurt so fucking much?” is one of the common phrases, I believe.
I have no intention of hurting her, and I never have. Those few people who truly ~know~ me, also know that I live life without malice. I can’t say that I’ll never hurt her, only that I’ll never do it on purpose.
Bah!!! Love is for mammals
Good on ya T. You gotta go with what’s best for you. All the best, chicky!
Hi Tan,
Sometimes things that take the most work and effort are the things that are most worth it in the end. Let go and see where the wind takes you..who knows, it could make your heart soar!
Remember..
“Hold on to dreams for if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird unable to fly.
Hold fast to dreams for if dreams go,
Life is a barren field frozen with snow.”
We love you T!
of course I will support whatever decisions you make (as all friends should do!) and i’ll always be here for ya
I already gave jeremy my “big brother” talk!
Col, Pearl, Ed, Vern, Tammy & Jenn… As always, I love you guys so much!
It’s one big love fest!
Jer, you make it easy to feel good these days…
Hey Tanya, well I can tell how happy you are just from the text written here. I wish you and Jeremy the best, and most of all I am so glad that you have “Peace” in your heart now. Look toward the future, don’t look back, and enjoy the “now”. I’m happy that you are both able to talk so openly, and work on things together. That’s wonderful news!
I sure wish I could have made it thurs night, I had to watch the kids while Rob was at rehersal. We are going to go out soon though…. sorry Jeremy, I have to steal her away for another movie night soon. 
take care you two little love birds. Botton line is, I’m happy if you are happy. That’s what matters most. Also, Jeremy, I’d like the chance to get to know you better too. I hope we can have you guys over for dinner before the end of summer. Ok, I’ve rambled to much ( guess I’m making up for the lack of comments in the past eh? ) take care