Food for thought?
After my last post, this one is going to sound like I’m turning into a cynical bitch…
Today, during a team lunch at the office (Our first in over a year) I was told by a colleague after mentioning that I had been in cadets for all of my teen years, that my upbringing was unhealthy and worse yet, has made me a confrontational, abrasive person. I can’t even begin to say how much those words stung. I tried to laugh it off, and consider the source, but I’ve also been told something similar recently, by someone that I care about.
It’s beginning to give me a complex.
Unfortunately, I am one of those people that care far too much what others think of me as a person. When I’m called abrasive and confrontational, it sticks to my core, and quite literally changes how I deal with people in general terms. For example, I’ll find myself thinking that perhaps I need to be quieter, and not so opinionated and confident. I know I will never please everyone, and not everyone will get along with me, but the fact that this issue has come up a few times in the past makes me wonder if perhaps they have a point. I try to live every day being true to myself, but also keeping an awareness for how I interact with others, and maybe I need to make some subtle changes to see if I can feel good about them.
I asked Vern after lunch today if I really come across that way to others, and at first he said no, and that I should consider who said it, but then as I was walking out of his office, he added… But sometimes you scared me to death in the past when we were dating.
Ya. Ouch.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
You, a confrontational, abrasive person? Compared against whom? Don’t take it seriously T. Whoever came up with that pop psychology analysis doesn’t know you very well. You stick to your guns when you’re right, and that just means you stand by your convictions. Some people interpret that as being inflexible and confrontational. But that’s because they’re weak willed candy-asses.
Now if you told this individual to go f**k themselves to their face in the presence of others, that would, IMHO be abrasive and confrontational. However, I’m not clear on the context.
Don’t let it get you down. Everyone has their off days, no matter what their personality. Maybe that was the case with this person.
I’ve always felt that takes a lot less effort to be an evil, indiscriminate bastard. It’s much more difficult to be positive and cheerful, but you put in that effort and those of us who’ve known you a long time have seen the change.
Besides which, the only time you’re confrontational these days is when Dominos forgets the order. Tanya just got us free pizza! YaY!
This is not the Tanya I know. You know what this is? Bullshit. Don’t change a thing, you’re marvelous.
comment
Dump that person out of your life!
He was probably a left wing PC hippie too. I am Bulrog and my mission is to rid the world of hippies!
oh please. people like that are just intimidated by honest, up front people like yourself (good for you!). they wish they could be like you. well too bad they can’t! grrr. don’t let what someone else thinks of you bother you. especially when they say something so lame.
and why does opinionated and confident have to equal abrasive?? you are anything but that!
Don’t worry, you seem to be the sane one here
Being attractive, female and blonde are all strikes against you in the working world (sad, isn’t it?) so ANY assertiveness will be seen as threatning by those who see the world in a certain way… keep on the way you’re going, because it seems to be working for you 
Hey, which cadets were you in? I was in Air Cadets, myself. I don’t blame it for my unhealthy upbringing though. Too bad, as I could’ve used a bit more of a confrontational attitude.
If you hear something like from lots of people with no connection to each other, you have to consider that maybe it’s not just them, it’s you.
You can’t go, “Ah, they’re all just jerks,” but neither than you go, “Poor me, I’m worthless.” The trick is to indulge only in healthy self-criticism with an eye to self-improvement, not self-pity pandering to self-obsession. Easy to say; hard to do.
Hey Tanya, normally, about this time I would say something witty and notably condescending, but you have gone through a rough week according to what you’ve written here. So I’m just going to say “HI” and say “Isn’t this cool weather a nice change from 35C plus days we’ve being getting.”
Nemo, so what you’re saying is that T should change the way she is to please *other* people? (If I’m interpreting you correctly) Individuals should consider changing their attitude and demeanour to improve themselves, not to appeal to the sensetivities of others. Sounds to me like another ugly face of political correctness.
I happen to think Tanya’s a much better person to be around now than she was 10 years ago. I will concede that yes, at one time in her life she was bitter, negative, and hard to be around. There were many reasons for that, and she was able to recognize what was wrong and worked hard to change it.
I find it’s much better to accept the way people are. Once you accept them, you are comfortable around them and for lack of a better term, can operate within their parameters. Trying to change someone just because *you* don’t like who they are is the ultimate hypocrisy.
Don’t change a thing, T. They ARE all just jerks and they don’t know you for the caring and wonderful person that you are.
Thanks Ed, Shawn (err, would you prefer I use ‘potential male roommate’?), Nee and Jean… ‘specially Ed: Your comments were thoughtful, and sincere, and made me realize that I have absolutely come a long way in the past many years to becoming a person that is easier to be around. I don’t believe I’ve sacrificed anything to hold my positive attitude closer to myself.
Johnny Nemo — Understand your thoughts, but I think I need to disagree with you on one point. Everyone’s a critic, and I’m realizing that I am simply not going to please everyone with my strong personality, but that certainly doesn’t give them the right to publically put me down in front of other colleagues — That’s unprofessional, and simply put, gross. On your other point though, I believe you are on the same page as I — There needs to be a balance, and I’m doing pretty good with finding it on the most part. We all have our off days, though.
Tom — Yer cute.
Gill — You probably ran into my brother a few times… He was an air cadet for years. I was in sea cadets to start off with, and then moved on to army when I moved away from Vancouver for a while.
I get a bit freaked out when you walk through the office front door with that black semi automatic.
Yeah but she’s blonde, so I doubt the safety would be off.
ROFL!
I too was in Cadets, (dont’ know gill) and well, I had the same parents as Tanya did, and well, i am not a confrontational,abrasive person so I am sure it wasnt the parents or the cadets! And by the way Tanya, you are not confrontational or abrasive. You just don’t beat around the bush with stuff, and sometimes, people that do beat around the bush, thats their problem!! lov u t!
I got told once by a departing friend that I was impolite, self-obsessed and a whole bunch of other things. Another friend at the same time commented that I’m self-absorbed but they don’t mind, that’s why they’re my friend. Not easy things to hear, from either the now-hated ex-friend or the still-loved friend.
These comments took me about two years to process and get over, actually. I’ve always worried that I’m self-absorbed and insensitive to others. The thing is, comments like that hurt the most when you’re afraid there might be some truth to it. It can be hard to leave the safety of your own bed when you think even your friends wish you were more polite and retiring.
But then… bullshit. As my current friend said, my friends still love me even though I can be an insensitive clod at times. I can’t go trying to change myself just to please people who probably wouldn’t like me no matter how I reinvented myself.
The same applies to you: you may be outgoing and not willing to take shit from anyone, but your friends still love you. People who want to hurt you will try to turn this around and make you ashamed of what you are, but you can’t let them stop you in your tracks. If you feel, after much introspection, that you could get more out of your life by being quieter or whatever, then make those changes for yourself.
And from the sounds of it, this person probably has a serious issue with the military and discipline. I’ve known people who are violently opposed to military education for children/teenagers, and that’s usually the line they come up with.
For the record, both my sweetie and I think you are a very nice, fun, outgoing person and look forward to getting to know you a lot better. Nuts to the asshole at work.
well… you do kind of scare me…
Tanya,
Don’t even *think* about changing the person you are. The qualities you possess make you the wonderful, strong, intelligent person that you are.
You are a cool chick.
Tanya is my friend! I love Tanya! She was very nice to me today… and didn’t yell at me even once!
Was she sick today? From what I understand you like getting yelled at, being told you’re a bad boy then taking your beatings. Oh you’re *thuch* a beatht!
(Keanu Reeves of The Matrix saying) Wow!
Your Painting a picture of Tanya as the dominatrix at night, and cute cuddly and lovable office chick by day. Tanya, quick, another post before this thread gets out of control…
wait… wait… tanya as a dominatrix… yaaaa… thats the stuff…
What do you mean *gets* out of control. She hasn’t posted a new entry in the blog, so it’s up to the rest of us to spice-weasel it up a notch. And no, somehow I can’t picture T as a dom… not in her style.
Ed, I guess your right. I shouldn’t start any vexing, vicious rumours of defamation, my bad. But spice is good.
I just wonder if T is fixing that guy in the white van. (damm, I did it again) I still have that image of the “tail pipe” flashing around in my head. he he he.
I’ll leave you simply with this… (place sly grin here)
http://www.netchick.ca/images/domchick.jpg
(Yes, in case you are wondering, that is a black wig on me.)
Right, I’d forgotten about that pic. Elvira, queen of the Weblog. LOL!
OMG! Is that……………