Feeling a little ‘close friend’ deprived
I’m going through one of those phases in my life where, although I have friends I truly adore, I only have one close one. (Betcha can’t guess!) I’m not feeling sorry for myself, because I know I’m very lucky to be surrounded by some amazing friends, but I somehow feel like I need a close girlfriend to confide in on a regular basis. There are definitely girlfriends I trust very much, but there’s no particular ‘best friend’ who’s a girl in my life right now. *Everyone* seems to be coupled off these days… And I just feel like I’m intruding when I call to see what’s up for the night. Being carless also means people call me less to see what I’m up to, because I can’t be as spontaneous as I used to be.
As much as I can be a planner, I also really crave those times when I can just call someone up on a Friday night because I haven’t got anything going on, and head over for a quiet night sharing some wine and yacking the night away (No strings attached… I’m referring to a platonic male/female friend, not a lover or someone I’m ‘seeing’). I have one friend that I do this regularly with, but I feel like I’m over-doing it lately due to my singlehood.
Aren’t I needy?
Seriously though — Is anyone else going through this right now?
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i can relate to this. somehow it seems harder to make closer friends when you’re older (or maybe this is all just me). The way that I see it is that you can only really become closer to someone once you begin to spend real, quality time with them. This reminds me of the recent post on my blog about hanging out with new people and establishing lets-go-out-and-do-things relationships with…sometimes i feel so socially awkward
i’m down with more girls nights. i really, really enjoyed having you guys over at my place before i moved. so enjoyable.
I’ve been sort of happy that I don’t have a “best friend” that confides stuff in me and vice versa. It always felt like I was burdening people with my so-called bullshit, and up until recently did I decide that having people confide in me, or at least confide in me certain things, was too much.
My best friend at the moment is my friend in NYC. This is really sucky because a) we’ve never met, b) we’ve talked on the phone twice in three years, and c) even if we had met or talked on the phone lots, we would still not have presence to solidify or maintain our friendship. (She is also a woman: I’ve never, ever been able to confide in male friends, local or distant.) Julie at perpetualkarma.com mentioned it briefly, that even though she and her best friend will talk every day, because they are not near each other and can’t hang out together, the friendship will feel like less of one than what they’re used to and very happy with.
http://www.perpetualkarma.com/archives/001773.html
I can provide the poker chips if you want to have a girls poker night!
I’m all over that.
As for the friendships thing, I totally identify with this. Now you know that I have reason to question my own friendship skills (and humour skills too apparently)… but I think it all stems from having lost that “best friend” and really not having a clue how to make a “new” one. Do people really want to have new “best” friends anymore? Is it an outdated concept? Did I miss the boat? (Or rather, was I on the boat and fell overboard?)
I’ve tried to blog about this a number of times but it always just turns out sounding pathetic. Your blog really said what I was trying to say, without the patheticness. Thanks for getting it out there.
Hey guys, I totally hear ya. I used to have a “girls night” every month, a long time ago in another life, and I miss those times! I’m going to have to get off my butt and start organizing girl-bonding nights again. No, not just out to the clubs, but real, meaningful good times. Like, a chick poker night, or a chick-flick night with a contest to see who can bring the sappiest movie…
If you want to be involved, I love organizing. And… If you want someone to just hang with on the spur of the moment… I’m your girl. Email me, and let’s get out and enjoy life!
Rog… Ya, let’s catch up. I’m counting the days guy. Lots o beer. Lots!!
I’m glad I’m not the only one going through this. I’ve not been single for some time, and I truly enjoy the time I have with my partner, but not having a close female friend IS getting to me.
Unfortunately I’ve more or less given up trying to find one for now as:
1/ My past experience has shown me there are many women who are willing to become satellites – dropping their friends/interests/independent lives – the moment they meet a guy and think there’s a possibility of coupledom. Worse, still, they suddenly become available if (or when) the relationship sours and they need someone to listen to them. While I like to think I’m a sympathetic soul, I don’t want that to be my only role!
2/ Friends who’ve become coupled or parents have little free time to share, and seem to think that not planning weeks in advance is so very, very high school and not what they, as proper grown ups, will even consider.
Wow. I didn’t realize I felt so strongly about this until I read your post…
I can partially relate to some things that you’re talking about. I long for the days where you were busy but it wasn’t because you planned things. Things just happened and there were always a handful of people around. I want to go see a movie without planning to go see a movie. I want to wind up at a restaurant with a group of mates without making a reservation a week in advance. I want to spend an evening with a buddy, a case of beer and a pack of smokes without checking to see if I have nothing else scheduled. And sadly, I’m not particularly that busy. But I guess the days of slumming with friends living day to day are kind of over.
You know, I was in a good mood before I read your blog…
I don’t have a ‘best friend’ up here either and I spend alot of time on my own.
I try to fill my spare time by being productive (i.e. working almost 3 months on a website which should have taken 1 month).
T, when I get down there we’ll definately be going out. See you in about 10 days!
My best friend is a guy, most of my friends are guys and I have maybe one close female friend now, but we’re not “best friends”.
Every time I meet a potential female friend I’m all like OMG BE MY FRIEND!!!!!11oneone and then I wonder why they run away screaming.
Guy friends can be good for gossip, but I notice they really don’t want to hear about how much sex you’re getting, if you’re getting more than they are. Strange.
Me! You don’t have to be single to miss having a girl best friend.
A lurker for awhile now and a friend of Jen’s. Even though I’m coupled, I still feel this way. There are just some things that you want to share with a female companion.
I’m totally with you on this one. I don’t think I’ve actually had a “best girlfriend” since I was about 15. It’s a hard place to get to with people – especially if you’re not exactly used to being there in the first place
That said, I’m always up for a quiet night of wine & gossip on a weekend!
Can absolutely relate as well. I struggle a lot with this, esp. when I want to spend time with a girlfriend and find that all plans suddenly include her significant other.