Living together in modern times
On a more personal note today, I’ve been trying to figure out lately why it’s so important to me to live with someone before I ever get re-married again. It’s really something, in my eyes, that is a requirement before I walk down the aisle and spend the rest of my life with someone.
But, why?
My previous ‘married life’ started off with me moving in with D literally the day after we met each other — Odd times: We were both very young, and circumstances saw us both needing a living partner to make life easier on the wallet. From that point, and probably because we both knew deep down our situation wasn’t right on many levels, it took us over five years to get married. Once we were married, it was seven fairly unhappy years after that before we called it quits.
Now, obviously, that’s not an ideal situation for any couple. That said, I still firmly believe that living with someone before marriage allows a couple to deal with the little things before the “I dos” take place — Let’s face it, marriage in itself is pretty stressful if you take it seriously, and that’s one life change that is already smoothed out should you deal with it beforehand.
But, Jeremy makes some good points about the opposite stance: A couple should trust that the relationship will work (if they know each other and are ready to commit to each other), and no matter what issues arise, they would be equipped to deal with it if they have the understanding and compassion for their mate to do so. I understand this point, and do agree with it. If a couple loves each other enough to marry one another, why should they need to have a ‘trial period’ before marriage to work out the kinks? (She said kink, LOL)
Obviously, there’s one more major factor to consider here: My next home will be a purchased one. I’d like it to be one that can accomodate both of us, downtown. This means a firm committment on both our parts would be necessary, as there’s simply no way I could afford such a place with only my name on the deed. No, this dialogue doesn’t boil down to money, but rather, practicality. I have a one year lease on my current place, and I’d really like to be moving forward (literally and figuratively) with Jeremy once the lease is up. Our relationship feels so strong, and I love him that much.
So, I pose this question to you: What’s your take on this? And, why?
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A bit off topic, but……
I would disagree with Jen’s last point, and throw my hat in with Donna about not sweating the small stuff. I never so much feel as if I’ve ‘given up’ or ‘given in’, but rather I look at things from a perspecctive of ‘Does this really matter to me, in the grander scheme of things?’. Usually, they don’t. So I’m not giving in, I’m simply not taking a position on a given issue. And if she gets to do things her own way as a result. then all the better.
My grandfather taught me a long time ago, that there’s strength, and there’s quiet strength. I go for the quiet version of things. To me, this means that there aren’t a lot of situations that I’ll make a fuss over (to which fact I’m sure Tanya will attest). But when I do, it’s only because that particular issue matters to me. A lot. I just don’t feel the need to weigh in on every subject.
As for the living together issue, well, I’m an interested party to the discussion, so I guess I’ll just shut up and see what people have to say about it….
There are definitely two camps with valid reasons for either living apart or together before marriage. I’m of the opinion that you’ll never really know what it’s like to live with someone until you actually *do it.* Things change when there isn’t “your place” to escape to if something drives you nuts.
I think more important than which camp you’re from, though, is how you manage to come to a decision with a partner. This is the first decision (of many!) that will affect the rest of your lives together – if you can’t come to an agreeable solution on this (without either of you feeling like you “gave in” or “gave up”), I don’t hold much hope for the rest of the relationship.
Hey, you guys nailed it… I totally agree. In fact, I wouldn’t want to live together before being engaged either, and at that, have a wedding date set. I simply don’t want to have all the stresses of everything at once, which is an awful lot to be handling. Ultimately, I look forward to a happy life together as a married couple, but if I can stretch out some of the stresses to easily manageable segments, it’s a breeze (and could be a very enjoyable adventure as well!)
live together first camp over here! no question about it. every person deals with stress and personal space differently. Especially if you are going to be buying a home, living together first will give you a better idea of knowing what needs to be in that home to help make things work. Do you need 2 bedrooms or 3? 2 bathrooms? do you like the sunshine to stream in in the morning or want black out curtains? so many little things that we each take for granted because we are, up to that moment, a seperate entity.
And really, if one person wants to live together before marriage and the other still really wants to marry this person, is moving in together first really a big deal?
I come from the perspective from being happily married for 2 1/2 years with a kid on the way any day now:
I used to be firmly in the “live together before marriage” camp. However, based on personal experience (I lived 5 years with someone that went nowhere) and based on what I have seen around me, I find that once you are living with someone there is really no motivation to get married, until you are together for x years and you do it just because you feel you should (or it is done after an ultimatum from one party).
That being said, when I was dating my now-wife, I thought we should live together but she wouldn’t even consider it unless we were engaged. Part of that was cultural, but her reasons were basically what I said above.
I hate to admit it (and this will be the only time that I do
) but she was right. We started living together once we were engaged to save up $ for the wedding and our house, and it worked out perfectly. That year of engagement gave us a chance to work out all the normal living-together kinks before marriage, but we also had the purpose and commitment of an engagement already behind us.
So, I guess that’s where I stand: move together once you’re engaged.
Mind if I weigh in here? I moved in with Artos after two months of dating him. We lived together for four years in two cities before getting married. One thing that definitely helped me to be sure that I knew I was marrying the right guy was how easy it was to live with him. People have different living styles and if you can find someone who meshes well with yours, you’ve got one definite area of stress taken care of.
I think living together before marriage IS a good idea. An engagement is supposed to be a time to prepare yourself for your life together, and part of that is to work on the communication and the day-to-day habits of being with each other. If you haven’t prepared for that, then your marriage has one more challenge to face along with the other factors of life and change, etc. I know a few couples who didn’t live together beforehand, and they said it was a major adjustment and a big part of their woes came from housekeeping expectations. Why deal with that AND the stress of being newly married?
Oooh. Better idea: move in together but have separate bedrooms. Pretend you’re a duchess or something.
the problem with not sweating the small stuff is that eventually there are so many small stuffs that it becomes a big stuff. while there doesn’t need to be a big holy fuss about something, if I’m bothered, I’ll mention it — because I know that for me, if I don’t, it’ll fester until I explode and suddenly I’ve lost my temper and am yelling at someone for leaving teabags in the sink, and they didn’t even realize it’s a problem.
Of course, this is just how *I* react to things.
I’m also very, very wary about moving in too fast. I doubt that I would do so now before a year of serious dating first. On the other hand, I also don’t intent to do monogamy again, nor do I have any interest in getting married, having children, or doing any of the traditional stuff. So what works for me likely doesn’t work for many other people.
Get married and live in separate places. Best of both worlds. … Or the worst… I havent made my mind up on that yet.
I think many people above commented with some really great thoughts. I’ll have to say ditto
Also, why *not* move in together before getting married? I don’t see why not..it just seems like a natural thing to do.
Take this with a grain of salt — I don’t really see the point in marriage. Regardless, I wouldn’t marry someone I didn’t live with first. Living with someone is SO different from simply dating them. I totally don’t think that couples should “trust that the relationship will work’. The relationship changes so much when you move in together, why in the world would you trust that it’ll work? What if it doesn’t? No matter what issues arise? You can’t guarantee that.
On the other hand, I think moving in too fast (ala how I usually end up doing things, meh) is a huge mistake. I’m learning. No talk of future commitments until AFTER the honeymoon phase. Alrighty then.
It’s like… sex before marriage. My mother recommended when I was about 16 that no matter what other dumb things I do, make sure that I have sex before marriage. Sex is such a huge thing in a relationship, it would really, really suck to realize your relationship wasn’t sexually compatible AFTER you got married. Same thing, I think.
Like, I have one huge pet peeve — teabags in the sink. It’s stupid, but I wouldn’t marry someone who habitually left teabags in the sink. Now, theoretically, that’s minor behaviour that could be changed, but what if it can’t? I never managed to break my ex fiance of it. It wasn’t the reason we broke up, but it was a contributor. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life getting this irrational spurt of temper *every* time I go into the kitchen.
My mother would also tell me not to sweat the small stuff, and I try not to… but that’s one that I can’t help sweating.
Besides, can you *really* know someone, completely, totally, who you don’t live with? As Sex and the City mentioned, what about all the “secret single behaviour” that you might not want your partner to know about?
Amusingly, doing a search for “secret single behavior” brought this up: http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=2181
hee. I do a lot of the stuff mentioned.
Confession of worst Secret Single Behavior: I haven’t washed my bedsheets in two months. It probably isn’t noticable to anyone else, but *I* know that they’re no longer the right color. (They’re normally off white. Now they’re … more greyish off white.)
Hmm. Come to think of it, I think I’ll do some laundry tonight. Ick.
Hi. I read your blog regularily but haven’t posted my comments until now. This is one subject that I can’t help but respond to. My feelings are this, that to have a good basis to grow a life on, remove the stresses that you can before married life.
It’s really hard to have everything happen at once. I agree with you on this one. I got married and that night was the first night we lived together. We did court for almost a year before we got married, but it’s not the same thing. The beginning of my marriage would have been so much happier and relaxed if we’d only moved into a home together to set ourselves up for the “next step”.
If I had this to do over, that’s the way I’d do it. I’m happily married still, but it was a rough and stressful start to our life together.
Thank you for writing. I look forward to reading your running commentary on your life.
Welcome Sasha! Thanks for your comment. This is such a personal, but important subject. I know there are two distict camps on this, and both have valid reasons (I don’t disagree with those that don’t live together before marriage, I just don’t think that would work for me.)
How did you meet your husband? Why didn’t you live together first if you felt this way?
…Thanks guys! Great thoughts…
Donna, just one last thing that you probably don’t know — Jeremy and I have known each other for over a year now and have dated each other for about 8 months on and off, so by the time my lease is up, we’ll be long into our 2nd year of dating, and certainly not jumping into things by moving in together sometime after that.
Then again you could be like my dad. He’s been very happily married for over a year now and they still own separate homes!!!
Hrm. Not really my idea of a ‘family unit’. Think I’ll pass on that idea
Only Vern would think that’s the ultimate solution. What’s the point in being a couple if you aren’t a team, working towards the same goals in one household? Completely foreign concept to me.
heh — I was actually reminded of that particular rule by Sue’s comment. I moved with my ex fiance *before* I started dating him — we were roommates. This also brought rise to the rule of “not touching the roommates. Ever.”
With my last boyfriend, we were together for … about 5 months. I gave my notice, and two weeks later we broke up. Damnit. So my timing is shit.
I know it can work — Sue & Artos are a good example. So are my parents — my mothers current husband moved in less than a month after her ex husband moved out. Neither of them were even remotely close to being divorced at the time. Hee, my parents are adulterers.
I just find that for me personally, I won’t move in with someone early, and I doubt I’d even consider marriage without at least 3 years of serious dating, either… I’ve seen too many relationships break up at the 3 year mark.
But, like I said — I’m a little different about my relationships. YMMV.