"Hi, I'm Tanya, and I'll be dumping your ass tonight."
One of the things that I’m finding very hard to do during the whole dating adventure (this is not specific to just online dating, I must clarify…) is to write, “I’m sorry, [place dude's name here who just didn't live up to what/who they said they were, or has presented a serious red-flag during our first real meeting] but, you and I just weren’t meant to be. Best of luck…”
Just, how does someone write that nicely? Man… I often feel guilty, because I think somehow, I should have been able to save us both the trouble by saying ‘no’ to a first date before it happened.
But, alas, I’m not a mind-reader and I’m often too nice when I’m trying to figure out if ‘that guy’ is perhaps the guy for me. I can’t judge every guy by a profile and a few email interactions, and certainly not when I’ve met him face-to-face “out and about”… I need to interact with him one-to-one for a longer period of time; to ascertain if there’s a chemistry there for me.
And, that, my friends, is why most dating, at any level, sucks pretty ‘wholly’. There’s been very few dates in the distant past that have gone to a second, and those dates have all gone to a 3rd… (if not many more). I can always tell in the first couple of minutes if the guy I’m meeting over a drink (or, on the rare occasion — dinner) is meant to be.
Am I being hasty? Can one ‘two hour date’ tell you if you are compatible, or are you both just too full of nerves to be a good judge of character?
I’m still wondering if there’s a better way to date? Maybe next week, during my speed dating scenario? …Perhaps the opportunity to date someone more on my wavelength will present himself? In the meantime? …I’m going to bed. Alone. This chick has done enough socializing in one evening!! (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, REILLY!)
Have a good weekend, all!
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Oh hell… I completely forgot about that. Gawd, it would just be typical if I scored a date out of it. Too much pressure already.
One of the things about this eye goo that I have to put in my eyes…. is that there is an effect. I no longer need to blink.
What I think Im going to do is look straight at my subject… and not look away… or blink. Perhaps I will say things like…. you dont look anything like the pictures in your MySpace Profile. You drive a car?!?! What?!! Do you HATE the planet you live on?!?! Gawwwd. Phhht.
OK Tan, here’s my view, skewed as it may be (after all, I am from Florida!!).
I have been in the dating pool recently and it kind of sucks. No, it REALLY sucks.
What I am finding, in the age range that fits me, are people who seem to be desperate to find “someone” before they reach the ripe old age of 45 and life as they know it ends. Unfortunately the critiera seems to be a)What car you drive b)What high paying job you have c)How big is the the home you (better) own d)how much money will you be willing to spend on me (and my kids?), etc. And all that better be obvious in the first 2 minutes or they move on.
I know that no girl wants to date a bum but today most are making their decision too quickly and some good guys are passed over. But that’s OK too because that’s not the girl for me. Can I afford a Lexus? Sure. Do I have a great high paying job? Yes. Am I going to tell you that on the first date? No, maybe not for several dates. You need to get to know me first.
I applaud you for giving us guys more than a passing glance. Of course there are judgments you can make on the first date as to whether you would go out again. If it’s not a good fit, be gentle and move on. You’re doing both parties a favor. But remember that we are guys and we have faults. The outside wrapper is nothing more than a cover. The good stuff is inside.
Then again, it’s nice to go on a date in a cool car…
I think most of us have pretty effective radar and are able to know rather quickly whether or not someone is “right” for us. It’s just that every once in a while (for whatever reason) we ignore our instinct and push on. It always catches up with us in the long run.
Good luck with the speed dating.
DISCLAIMER: I am entirely unqualified to speak in regards to dating.
However, it seems to me in the grander scheme of the world that certain people are meant to be friends (or more) and others aren’t. You’d know right away when you met a person at a business networking event whether a) you give a rat’s ass if this person falls off the earth tomorrow and b) you’d like to speak to them longer and at more depth about more interesting subjects.
I can’t imagine that dating is any different. Either you think a person’s interesting, or you don’t. Since you don’t owe that person anything beyond basic common courtesy, why waste both your times pretending to pursue a friendship, relationship, or business contact, when you just don’t get a good vibe from that person?
That said, I’ve now got some recurring business contacts who I was initially totally “turned off” by, but because I got to see them interacting with others across a broad range of events, and because when I finally consented to a half-hour coffee with them, they showed me they really are people of substance. That said, I’m still not inviting those people to dinner parties.
I agree with Russ. My last first date consisted of “I have 8% body fat” as an opening line. Yeah he was hot, drove an Audi and made a lot of money. But was boring and kinda dumb as a post. See Russ its not just guys that have the shallow criteria.
My way of getting around the whole late 30′s desperation was to date younger. I’m still early 30′s so its not so much of a stretch but I have found more luck and attraction in that pool of fish. For me anyways. But I have arrested development in so many ways.
BTW if you aren’t interested in someone and they can’t tell? Just do what boys do and stop calling. If they keep calling you? Just say – “Look, you’re a nice person, but we just aren’t compatible. I’m sure there is someone out there that would be perfect for you and I don’t want to stand in your way of finding them. Good luck!”
I agree with you that there *is* such a thing as chemistry, and that it doesn’t take long for that chemistry to reveal itself. I’ll agree with the idea that chemistry is vital, and that without it there’s no point in date # 2. I don’t know if 2 hours is enough for the whole discovery, although I do know that it’s extremely rare that I be full of nerves for just about anything.
2 hours to me is a good length of time to decide if a) there’s chemistry (usually takes me about 3 minutes), and b) there’s a brain there to help support the whole communication idea (without which all the chemicals in the world won’t keep me interested). IMHO, it’s not enough to decide if we’re compatible over the long term, but it is enough time to decide if they’re someone I want to get to know better.
I find that about 10 minutes is enough to be able to say “No” … but 2 hours isn’t enough to be able to say “Yes”.
So, if I have an initial “Wow, you’re horrifying” reaction, that’s unlikely to change. But if my first reaction is indifferent or positive, then it’ll take a while to find out if there’s a hidden “No” in there somewhere…
These responses were just bumping up against my attention span.
The whole… “what do you got” question gets on my nerves. I don’t even bother to tell anyone about my one big asset. One day, later on, it might be a windfall. Well past the now.
Combined assets are not the reason I want to date for anyway. I guess I have it in my mind that dating is something that happens between two people for a month to several years… and it will come to a close after you have fully explored each other out.
I think this is a beautiful thing…. but, its contrary to what most people think they want. That makes it very hard to date…. esp if you get a feeling that there is interest.
I’ve got nothing for ya. I’ve been out of the dating pool too long. BUT I can tell you that two hours is usually enough for me to know on what level (if any) I’m going to connect with someone, and whether there will be a friendship / acquaintanceship in the future, or if I’ll cross the street to avoid them…
I’ll agree with what Donna said for the most part. Unless there is an absolute *no,* I’d have to say that keeping an open mind is a good thing. However, settling for something is a bad idea indeed, as well as thinking you might change someone. Best of luck!