Another area of opportunity for me to grow…
I’m faced with a new challenge these days. One I never considered in the past, because circumstances were much different while I was in previous relationships.
It’s unusual for me to be seeing someone who has their act together, financially. (Although, I have dated very wealthy men casually.) It’s not a bad thing — I vowed that this time around, I’d only consider a relationship with someone who could keep up to me, and the adventures I like to be a part of… All without stressing their bank account.
And, I really did mean, ‘keep up to me’. I’m not looking for someone to pay my way, or help me out. I’m certainly not a gold digger. I’ve always
had a very hard time accepting gifts. It’s not that I don’t appreciate them, it’s just difficult for me to not think about how that money could be better used for themselves. I know this has everything to do with the fact that I was married for a long time to someone who spent money frivolously, and went bankrupt not long after I left him, even though I left him completely without debt.
But, maybe that pride and sense of independance needs to be adjusted some, now that I’m seeing someone who enjoys doing nice things for me.
I hurt ‘T’s feelings yesterday, because I asked him to postpone, for a while, a very expensive spa day at Spa Utopia he’d booked for the two of us next weekend. I felt that the gift was far too expensive for someone to be giving me after such a short period of time of dating.
It was a truly sweet gift that I agonized over. Why is it that I have such a hard time accepting such a thoughtful gift? How do I get over this crazy concern about how someone else spends their money? This is obviously an area I need to heal, as it’s apparent that my past relationships are colouring my present situation.
Do you have any helpful hints for me?
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Dude, I’ll go for ya!
I kind of understand how you feel. When my bf and I started dating last summer, he wanted to take me on some trips, and I said no on the grounds that I felt it was too early to be shoving money into stuff like that. And we still haven’t gone on a trip together, because I don’t feel like shoving my own money into it (now that we’re a couple, we go dutch; thankfully, we make the same money).
I say, if the dude has the money that he can splurge on a gift for you, don’t worry about it. He won’t miss the money, right? If he were poor, that would be different. But think of this as the guy *investing* in your relationship. That’s good, right? And if you’re worrying about an imbalance between the two of you, I’m sure you could think of a gift of sorts for him later (in a not dirty way, I swear).
i’m not gonna get into all the ethical relationship issues you got goin on, i’ll cut right to the pedicure:
Spa Utopia is waaaayyyy overpriced. i tried to book one for jen when she was having a swollen pregnant day and she shot it down too. toooooo much money.
Jen likes to go to “the factory” a little place in nvan where you get mani and pedi for $40 .. sure, it’s not all spa-riffic, but it gets the job done.
pure nail bar is also sweet and cheap
i like eveline charles on s granville… a little more than the in-n-out places, but not over expensive … besides, can always hit rangoli for some take out across the street!
I’ll say this without knowing how long you’ve been dating, or anything else about this guy (other than the fact that he can apparently afford such things): Too Much Too Soon.
I’m having the same trouble as you articulating why exactly – but there’s just a strange vibe about it to me. The postcard says for “when dinner and a movie just won’t do” – which to me says for really special occasions. “Weekend,” while nice, just doesn’t have that kind of ring. “Anniversary” or “Birthday” do.
When someone has done this kind of thing for me in the past, I’ve also refused. They may have the best of intentions, but it’s not the kind of gift I’m comfortable receiving from someone I’m not more than “dating.” If Neil were to do that for my birthday, I’d love it. If he had done it while we were dating – forget it.
If we had planned it together as an activity, however, it would probably be different. That’s what happened with our trip to Korea – we planned it together, and while he covered the majority of expenses on that trip, I certainly contributed as much as I could – it was no free ride.
There is probably nothing odd about his desire to do this for you – but the fact that you feel strange about it speaks volumes to the level of compatibility you two may have in the gift giving/receiving area. Nothing to panic about – but likely worth a discussion if and as things progress.
I agree 100% with Jenn. Its really early and shows some overzealousness on his part that should perhaps be tempered slightly.
I think you need to open your heart to being with someone, I think that you need to let go of the past and not hold on to it to miss out on the future. I do think it is early on in the relationship to spend a large amount of money on a spa day, I think that a day like that would be more appreciated once you have been together long than a few dates. It is a very intimate experience couple treatments at the spa and much more suited for a more long term relationship, not to say that it isn’t a wonderful gift and very thougthful ( most men won’t think to organize a day like this ) so I won’t put a negative spin on it, I won’t read into it more than it is, I am sure he just wanted to do something special with you. Maybe in the next couple of months it would be more suited to your level in the relationship….
I’m with the “too much too soon” camp. It’s easier to accelerate a relationship than it is to back out. Take it from someone who married a man with whom I had *one* date. Yep. One. He moved in the night of our first date and we got married one year later. Divorced seven years later, but it only lasted that long because we had a child together.
Anyway…. I think you’re right to back him off a bit.
Here via michele!
Hmmmmmmmm
Okay, my take is this:
Comes down to a couple of things.
1. it’s his money that’s being spent for this. It’s of his own free will and you’re not coercing him in any way to do this for you.
2. it’s a gift for the TWO of you to enjoy. Not just one of you. Look at it as a bonding/sharing/dating experience for the two of you to get the chance to be a little closer. As far as the price goes, well, how much would the two of you spend going out for nice dinners in a month when you factor in wine, etc. Probably comes out to about the same.
I’ve been in the place where the two of us has had totally disparate income levels(I was a kept man for a couple of years). It was tough on me as she expected me to spend like she did, but I just wasn’t making that type of money. I really struggled with it, but after we had many conversations about it, it did come down to her wanting to spend the money and didn’t care that I couldn’t do the same in return. It made her happy to make me happy(although I certainly didn’t ask for extravagance or encouraged it), it just worked out that way.
Sometimes a gift is just a gift.
Perhaps he’s just a splurger every once in a while and not soooo bad with money? There’ve are times where I’ve dropped a TUN of money on someone and realized it was a *special* event and wasn’t going to happen a lot. haha
You know, you mentioned that he’s got the money. So what you think is ridiculously expensive, may be fast food to him. It’s all relative. If he spent his entire paycheck so you could have a massage, then that may be a bit much (and maybe a bit creepy). But if this no big deal for him, then so be it.
Personally, I think you should take the massage. Then ask for a big screen TV and an X-box Elite. Maybe a couple trips overseas and who knows, maybe he could pay your rent for a while. Then of course there is the large life insurance policy you can take out on him. And just when you’ve got him where you want him, push him out of a moving vehicle.
I wouldn’t over analyse it. I would say that your gut feeling is telling you what is right for you.
Best wishes,
P.
Thanks for all your thoughtful (and sometime funny) comments… I appreciate your take. (Paul, you kill me).
Unfortunately, I don’t think the guy I’m seeing saw the humour in any of it…
I’m still scratching my head as to how such a small issue became such a huge one.
Sometimes people take the rejection of a gift on ‘cost’ issues as a veiled rejection of themselves. You could perhaps organise a similiar treat for him that would ‘even out’ the expense of the spa day. That way he’s happy you’ve accepted his gift, you both have a lovely time together and have another occasion to look forward to.
This could all be a little insecurity on his part so that should be discussed and sorted out now before it becomes an issue with future presents.
I vote for the ‘too much, too soon’ idea. I think you must have a good head on your shoulders (your money remarks were my first clue).
First time in your blog. Glad I came. I’m here from Michele’s. (I used to live in Vancouver, WA…but only for 13 years.)
Hey T…
I have to toss my 2 cents in here on this one…
Probably too much too soon is fitting, but…
Everyone has a different “love language” so to speak. Some people are “doers” or “attentive”, others may be “givers”. If this guy has a great income and cash on hand and like one other commetor said… money is relative… taking those into count, you might just need to learn to say yes, and accept his gift graciously.
Just a thought. By the way, my love languange is “taker”. :-p I need to get that woman’s phone number from Al…
Guys… All great comments. I so appreciate you chiming in. I’ve learned *much* from this learning curve — The main item: What I am, and what I’m not interested in, as far as drama and communication. So, I’ve decided not to see this person any further. We had some great dates, but, at the end of it all, I’m really looking for someone who ‘goes with the flow’. Ultimately, I’m likely doing him a favour — My blogging my life (even though I did ask him before blogging about this) isn’t for everyone. The guy who wins my heart will understand my need to blog, and, my love of my friends here, who provide me with insight and a shoulder.