Dating with a digital twist
I’ve been pontificating on this topic for quite some time now… Dating in this era of instant gratification, status updates, and online dating profiles has changed how new relationships grow.
At least, this has certainly been the case for me.
When I’m dating via internet sites, like PlentyOfFish Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia buy , or Lavalife, with my photo posted and there’s enough information in my profile for any somewhat savvy guy to do some quick Google searches and find this blog, I find myself censoring what I write about here, as it pertains to my dating life. Because, history has shown, guys *will* find this site. And they will jump to conclusions, good or bad, about who I am before they’ve met me.
So, to mitigate this somewhat, I’ve started using “netchick” on these sites as my username — I find that most people use unique names that they’d use elsewhere, and if I am going to be found anyhow, I might as well make it as open as I can. Now I assume the guy is going to do some digging, and it’s amazing how much less I worry about it.
It took me a long, long time to get over this fear of “being outed” from a dating perspective before I meet men on blind dates, but then I realized that this type of behavior provides a really great tool for filtering out the guys that either a) can’t take the fact that I blog about my personal life (no matter how vague my posts really are about the really personal stuff) or b) jump to all sorts of bizarre conclusions about who I am before ever meeting me in person.
Also, I don’t care if men find my blog before meeting me, as it saves me all kinds of trouble dealing with the whole “I’m a personal blogger” issue — The “having to explain why I blog”, and my rules about blogging about others’ lives without consent. They’ve already seen the content. They know what I’m about.
How about other pitfalls of dating in this time? There’s the crazy issue of ‘Relationship Status’ on Facebook
Bad Boys II
Recently, I was dating a guy where this was a painful issue. I’d changed my status from “Single” to no status because I was sleeping with him — I thought that was the right thing to do. He, on the other hand, saw that I’d changed my status (despite me telling him that I was *not rushing* by doing so) changed his status to “In a Relationship” — This is problematic. Especially when I had sent an email a week or so later (he was traveling) saying that we needed to talk when he got back, and upon reading that, he immediately changed his relationship status. Of course, he already knew something was up – It was the whole “we need to talk” thing. Stupid Facebook. I was forced to explain, via email, why I felt we were better as friends. I felt downright horrible. Lesson learned. Next time, I won’t change my Facebook status until well into a serious relationship. It’s really none of anyone’s business who I’m dating (read: sleeping with, with a goal to having a relationship) anyhow, is it?
Then, there’s dating other bloggers. I’ve done this three times now, and you know, despite the fact that I’m three for three (in the negative) I would travel this path, again. These guys, for the most part, got me. They understood my need to share here, and did so somewhere else themselves. Their blogs, despite being less personal than this one, still gave me insight on occasion. Ultimately, it was something I shared with these guys that is a big part of my life. So, I wouldn’t rule it out in the future.
…I need to jump back to dating sites for a moment; I hate the fact that these sites give me, and my potential suitor, info about the last time either of us has logged in. Me — I will log in after the first few dates with someone new to answer other emails that I’ve received (I feel that is only fair, as I’m simply telling them that I’m seeing someone new, and don’t know where it’s going yet), and yet, I always get a sinking feeling when I see the guy that I’m seeing has been logging in, too. It’s like a train wreck. I have to look, if it’s available to me. If you take down your profile (much like the relationship status of Facebook) the guy will jump to conclusions about how fast you are taking it, but, take the profile down too late, and you look like you are a player that hasn’t found (and probably doesn’t really want to find) the right match.
Finally, dating in this era has made men (and women) lazy. We’ve got a such smorgasbord of options online via dating sites and other resources, that we’ve stopped asking people out in person — Even though these online options have become more and more ineffective over time. We don’t have the tools, and are so used to the safety of being behind a screen, that we don’t know how to approach someone we’re interested in, without meeting them online first in some capacity. I’m still a relatively old-fashioned chick who expects the guy to make the first move… I know that is hurting my chances of finding the right guy, but I want guys to be guys, and girls to be girls. Dating sites have made this approach almost antiquated.
So, I guess I’ll stay happily single for a while longer…
What are your thoughts about my diatribe on the “new age of dating”?
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Tanya darling,
Your post really warrants more than a short response, so I’m going to have to wait and drop another comment when my internet connection at my Mom’s is re established (at a net cafe right now).
I wrote about this issue during my 2008 blogathon, and long story made short, I think you will find the right person when you least expect it, and I’m pretty sure it will be a blogger, because we talk the same language as bloggers.
Much love,
R.
Raul’s last blog post: Restaurant review – Browns Social House (West Vancouver)
I’ve never really tried any of the dating sites, and I think I’d be too scared to meet someone I’ve only known online.
That being said, when Matt and I met in NZ we only had 3 days to get to know each other a little bit. After I left, we kept in contact through email for a year until the next time we got to see each other, which would qualify as ‘dating’.
So I don’t have a problem with online dating, but for me…I’d rather meet the guy in person first.
Don’t even get me started on the Facebook status tho…they should really just remove the option.
I had a friend push me into PoF (plentyofish btw it is run from Vancouver by 2 people) and I found someone who I have been in a relationship with for 7 months and counting! There was the initial ‘spark’ when we first met and we’re still going strong. It was pretty cool and we hit it off quite well and we’ve done a crazy amount of things since we’ve met; Dominican Republic, Whistler Weekends, Gulf Island getaways/camping. Bunch of stuff, we’re both happy that our friends introduced PoF service to us.
I’ve had also people ask me out on Facebook. Not people I have previously met, but random people who found my profile and thought I was ‘cute’. A friendship came out of one, and a stalker from another lol good experience though and a bit fun.
I always was against online dating, mainly because my world is computers (has been for 20+ yrs) so I didn’t also want to find someone that way, but it seems I found the best person I have ever been with and will ever be with from an online dating service!
On grip I have is with some people’s profiles on dating services. Women dressing up and looking ‘easy’ or photos with their animals (sure, 1 photo with you and your dog is great but do I really need to see 7 photos of you and your dog and just photos of your dog?) photos of women and men in them. I’ve heard stories that sometimes those are photos of EX’s or ‘close’ guy friends. Those I tend to skip.
Same goes for male profiles and stories I have heard from friends who have tried online dating services. Why do males have to have photos of their abs? 99% of the woman I have talked to about photos like that just have the impression that you’re a dink, Don’t do it.
Also be a bit more creative in your online dating profile. don’t just say: I’m looking for a . it doesn’t take much to talk about yourself and what your interests are right?
Whoa.. I should stop typing, I can go on and on and on
End the end.. Online Dating I think is a good way to initially get out there and set up some dates. My gf and I would have never ever met if because we’re both in different industries (her nursing, me web development). Our social circles would have probably never crossed.
Does that help?
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Sigh – so many concerns I’ve already discussed with myself. I’m still kind of overwhelmed with the whole dating-in-general thing right now, I’m not sure I could clearly articulate where I stand on the issue. But, I’ll tell you, it’s strange returning after several years out of the dating ‘scene’ – everything’s different! Not the least of which being the fact that, last time I started a real relationship, I was still a teenager!
I think you’ve inspired a blogpost from me on this one … stay tuned!
Tania’s last blog post: And I will try to fix you …
I removed the “relationship status” from facebook all together a while back, because … while I wasn’t “in a relationship”, I also wasn’t precisely single either, and I’m a stickler for accuracy.
Since I tend to find myself in non-standard relationships, but think the “It’s complicated” option implies “we’re having trouble” or something else negative. (Although we used to joke that we were each others It’s Complicated, ala this XKCD comic: http://xkcd.com/355/)
I had something like six or eight people msg’ing me with “WTF? OMG!” or some such combination thereof.
Funny, when I DID switch it over to “in a relationship” a few weeks later… the only person who mentioned it was my boyfriend. Heh.
Regarding blogging while dating: I’ve gotten into HUGE trouble with the significant others in my life over blogging before, to the point that I generally don’t mention my partners on my website anymore until things are well established, and even then only after making absolutely certain that they’re okay with it.
Case in point: I hooked up with Nick in March. First mention on my website was a non-specific footnote in May, and no “real” references til July, around the time that I moved in with him. Even then, I was shy about it… until he made it clear that he didn’t mind, and even liked it when I did. Well, okay then.
Still, it’s definitely an interesting discussion that most people probably don’t need to have. “How much are you comfortable with me sharing with the general internet public… including my parents, my employers, a good chunk of my friends, and some of your friends, too…”
So far, he’s not too shy. Phew.
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Dating on the Internet sucks.
Refer to the last two years of my life for reference.
Tod’s last blog post: Videoblog: Visual Voicemail is not all it’s cut out to be.
Great comments guys… Love hearing your perspective.
And Tod… Dude. I know I am never, ever, ever going to hear the end of it, am I?
Love ya anyhow… hehe. I promise I’ll never ever do that again.
After many years of both good, bad and neutral experiences with online dating, I met the person I’ve been with for the last year through a friend. At 40 I didn’t think that was possible since by now most of my friends are couples and tend to socialize with other couples.
However, before we met in person I did randomly message him on Facebook when I noticed something in his status message that we had in common. I used that as an opening line along with dropping the name of our mutual friend. I was a bit reluctant because I didn’t want him to think I was a stalker but my first move seemed to work. We messaged back and forth for a few weeks before we finally met in a group setting at a pub. The rest is history…
Hey T, great post topic…. Here are my thoughts on the broaching the on-line dating issue–at the moment. Sorry, I don’t have time to proof-read this, try and stay with me.
First, I am single. I love being single, and I plan on being single for a while longer. Second, I am back in University, so, if I had a significant other that would be the most terrible thing possible because between work and homework there would be not time left over. Last, the demands that we place on relationships are way out of proportion to what is reality in the real world, and I think we owe that to Hollywood. The fairytale gig just does not happen–or it would not be a fairy tale.
I would never submit to an on-line dating service. I hold my on-line presences to that of going to classes with my colleagues and coworkers in the office: everything is strictly platonic. Yes, I do use my allies, Thomasso, but that has more to do with the type of profession I am into than anything else…, not to conceal my identity for unscrupulous dating practices.
I agree with you on the point of being complacent and holding higher expectations when dating. Perhaps Darwinism has caught up to us more so than we realized. When I talk to my sisters about their choices in life that they made, they either are very happy, or they claim they got the bad apple out of the bin–never a happy medium. I know money is the number one category, even though we claim not to hold it so obviously, it is held in perpetuity over all else. Both men and women have different objective for pare-bonding, so naturally there are conflicts.
Finally, there is my favourite discipline that deals with the mating ritual–evolutionary psychology. A Professor, Dr. Zanatta once told me (5 weeks ago now) that for procreation to occur, for the male it only requires two minutes of time and one teaspoon of sperm; for the female, it involves her entire life: baring, caring and rearing her offspring. I don’t really need to spell this point out because I’m sure everyone watches Dr. Phil….
I say be happy, enjoy life and have lots and lots of friends. Friends are best people to grow old with.
Thomasso’s last blog post: Is the World Really Shrinking Around Us?
Have you been on many dates with internet suitors? I went on a couple but was rather disappointed. They weren’t psycho or abnormal, which I was afraid of, but instead, they were just too normal and to be honest, a bit boring.
This new technological age of dating does bother me sometimes. Especially when it comes to texting. Seriously… don’t text a girl to ask her out. Pick up the phone and just call. It’s a pet peeve of mine.
Great post!
CIVILIZED SPICE
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I’m scared to go back on dating sites since it seemed like the age of the men showing interest jumped by over a decade when I turned 30. Yes, I’m now past my prime, I must date men in their 50s and be grateful!
I suppose, though, that I should put myself out there someday, since 95% of my friends are couples and all their friends are couples and the number of times I meet a decent single guy in a year I could count with my nonexistent penis.
I’m not bitter, really I’m not.
Oh sure… open up this can of worms again.
You know what I say…. The internet is no fun.
Stop spending time on it. It makes you unhappy.
Now, imagine if you lived in a nice commune, where people work… whistling… in the fields… and then, dance to folk music… laughing… passing out each nice… with people they love, and one they dont.
So…
Grab a hoe, and start working the fields. If you are reading this… and go camping.
PS: There were some spelling errors and typos in that last message. If you picked up on that… then you should get OFF the internet… because.. you are a bitter individual.
Tanya you are so bang on. I’ve been doing the online dating thing for like three years and my online life comes up everytime. Usually in terms of “wait will you blog about us…”, but on the plus side when I’ve first meeting someone they can Google me and get that whole perspective on me.
It’s a balance, I think between the public and private.
Course since my love life has been a running joke of Web 2.0 (and I’ve encouraged it, because it makes for good banter on radio shows), I guess I have to be used to it by now.
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My online dating resulted in experiences that are now nicknamed “Mr Take Away My Christmas”, “Angry Yoga Man”, “Meathead” and “Whistler Pussy”.
None of them were particularly net-savvy, not that I am. And they either erred on the side of being too geeky or too playerish.
Mr. Take Away My Christmas I particularly liked – and would often check to see if he had been active. Which he was. Daily. And it made me really sad over the six weeks that we dated. Pathetic.
Not really any point to my comments. Just that your post touched a chord with me and I am waiting for the dude from NYC to call back and for my email to be back online.
I feel your pain.
OH ya and one more point – at what point does one exhaust all of the local online options? Because in my experience there was a lot of crossover amongst all of the local sites. Do you run into the same people often?
Just a clarification on being bitter on the internet comment made a little earlier, it wasn’t intended to state that Tanya was bitter… it was intended to be read by only bitter people.
How Tanya managed to pick up on that I will never know.
As far as this blog entry goes… It would have been interesting to see how the 60s, and free love, would have intermingled with the internet.
One final comment… I think “Angry Yoga Man”, should be a web comic. Perfect Irony.
I decided to do eHarmony because a friend of mine told me it was great. I have been treading slowly and only gone for a so-so coffee so far. No big hits. I have checked out online before but just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’ve been out of the dating scene for some time and so I am feeling like a newbie with all this.
However, I still feel that ultimately I would like to meet someone the good old fashioned way – in person first.
My 15 year old son said to me “why would you want to do that? You could find somebody faster and more compatible on the internet”.
I guess it comes down to what we are most comfortable with.
I did the dating sites years back and always wondered why buddy had a picture up that was 10 years old….come on.
I haven’t dated for almost 4 years. I’m okay with that. I agree with you that internet dating has made people lazy, but I also find that people can hide behind a great facade. I’d rather meet face-to-face right off the bat. I am sensitive to peoples energies, so I can tell if I would like to see this person again or not.
Being that there is a 20-1 ratio of women to men, it is tough to find someone datable. Especially if your picky, like me. I’ve settled before, and will never again.
So my cat and I are going to enjoy a Sunday night movie together
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I think I’m a little more closed than you as far as the blog stuff goes. I do let people know I have one after I’ve gotten to know them, but I feel as though its this unfair balance. I think though being more honest about it though might not be a bad idea.
Facebook – that relationship status is a real pita. I plan on just keeping my status not listed
i have been off the online dating scene for a year or so … and i haven’t been on a date in almost 2 (dear god, that’s sad … very, very sad). the last year i was online (lavalife) i corresponded with some guys who seemed to be nice, interesting and interested … but who wouldn’t make the move to actually ask me out.
i agree with you, i am all about the fella making the first move and all that old fashioned stuff … it’s nice for a girl to feel like a girl, you know? and i hit a point, after a few weeks of emails, when, if no coffee date was in sight, i lost interest … it’s like there was a window of opportunity that closed and i just didn’t care anymore.
unfortunately, i don’t meet many single men in their 30s in my daily life … so i am facing the fact that i may need to retreat back to the online scene to have a social life.
now i need a drink.
michelle’s last blog post: a walk in the park.
Woah… this is pretty shocking. I didn’t think it could get all that worse. 2 years… 4 years… w/o a date?
I have many many observations about all this…. but most of all… its chemical. Because of that, you chance of a match from texting, chatting and talking is 1/10 that of seeing each other from across the room.
In other words, I believe you need to go on 100 online dates… average … before you luck out. The trouble is… this doesnt happen. Its too expensive at ever level.
Worst … no guy will take the chance at talking to a girl at a bar… or club, when they know they can waste their time online.
And … worse yet… women are rarely gracious when the guy does take a chance.
Ladies.. practice this.. “Oh, thank you. Thats so nice of you… if I wasnt already seeing someone at the moment, I would really enjoy getting to know you better.”
Looks like Tanya opened up a can of warm. Great topic.
I think some people use internet dating b/c they’re too busy to “meet” people but there’s definitely laziness involved. As for facebook status…I had some fun earlier, changed from “single” to “married” and actually got some congratulations (which I thought was absolutely hilarious). The fake marriage lasted about 2 weeks before my “wife” divorced me lol.
I’ve used internet dating but haven’t had any good experience with it. When you have a small social circle it can be hard to meet new people, especially single girls…at least that has been my experience anyway.
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I did the online dating thing when I first got separated/divorced – I liked the idea of having a catalog of men to flip through. Met some interesting people – people that I probably would never have met any other way, because we just don’t travel in the same circle. But I seriously think that finding “the one” happens when you aren’t looking. When you are just out and about, being your own wonderful self and the one who can see and appreciate how wonderful you are just happens along your path. Or you just happen along someone being their wonderful self when they least expect it. ‘Cuz I’m not one for traditional gender roles myself (well, other than my love of shoes), so I’m down with making the first move if needs be.
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funny, Tony Santos wrote about this topic exactly the other day.